Calling all Men

Men get the shaft when it comes to so many things in this world. Women are beautiful to look at, fun to be with, soft to touch and they usually smell very nice. A beautiful woman is the object of every man’s affections. They are beautiful when they are young and some grow old gracefully. Notice I say some, because most women fight aging with all they have. Botox, facelifts, breast augmentations (I am not against this I love breasts as much as the next guy), and the list goes on and on and they fight with everything they have. Mine, she is growing old gracefully and becoming more beautiful everyday. Then there is menopause which is a deadly disease and it almost killed me and it affects every woman on the face of this earth. She yelled almost daily, cried almost as often and made me want to commit suicide on more than one occasion. This is where the scales tilt in our favor.

It is this middle part of life where the tables turn and I want to shout to all of my brothers in arms that this is when we get to be the cool one. Our need to impress is gone, we can’t drink and party as much but the trade off is worth it. I want you to think of Dennis Hopper. He is the epitome of cool, there is not one person who will read this that would not buy an airplane ticket and fly out to California just to hang with Dennis Hopper. He is seventy-two! James Garner has been a favorite of my family for years. He is eighty years old and as cool as a cucumber. He’s freakin eighty and cool as shit. Al Pacino is sixty-eight and as cool as they come. These men have cultivated the one true time in a man’s life where he can shine. Middle age! Middle age doesn’t mean buying a corvette and pulling lots of ass. But for some reason men are sexy as hell during this time and all age groups are attracted to us. Middle age means we, men, finally have the knowledge necessary to be the best we can. This is a time where we find ourselves, our likes, our dislikes.

There is a middle-aged guy I know, he must be near 60, and he is definitely different. He is not the sharpest tool in the shed. He draws the ire of people with his actions and words. It’s not that he is not a nice guy he is just tuned into a different frequency, like he is in his own world. This guy is giving middle-aged men a bad wrap. Glen has one of those friendly faces he looks very kind. Glen is a little dorky but not so bad as to be off putting.But Glen is definitely not cool! He’s a wanker.

What is it that makes some men so cool; I mean women adore these men? What is it that makes Glen such a dork? I think I have it figured out. Women! Women are what make men either cool as ice or a huge dork. You see there are 3 stages of life for men when it comes to dealing with women. Firstly the pursuit stage, usually the teens and twenties, is spent chasing women and trying to get laid. Some men get trapped in this stage. Secondly, the settled stage when men are domesticated by, you guessed it, women. This domestication process takes longer for some than others but it changes the mans psyche. During this time women reshape almost everything about us men. Now don’t get me wrong this is the foundation of what being a cool man is built on. Thirdly, avoidance, deception, survival! (menopause) The woman is so unstable and highly volatile that the man has to cope in many different ways. Some men are broken at this point of development and the woman just breaks his will. Now it’s the not the woman’s fault, this is natural to her. It’s no different then water seeping into a crack in a rock and freezing thereby breaking the rock. It’s not the waters fault; it’s in its nature.

You see it is women that shape men. Like the Colorado River cut the Grand Canyon over millions of years, women shape us men. It is how we weather our time with these women that defines whether we are cool or Glen. This is where the men and the Glens are divided. After the man has had all of these experiences, each essential, with women he wakes up one day and says. Fuck it; He is doing what he wants to do! If she loves him then everything will be cool. Then he will be cool. The man decides he doesn’t care what anyone else thinks and he is going to do what he loves to do whether that is fishing, painting, or drinking. It is this sudden wake up call that turns this average man into a cool guy, a confident guy. The Glens of this world never have the time with women and never have this moment.I know Glens of many ages!

We have all met him, the cool sometimes even sexy middle-aged man. Washing his sailboat on a sunny Sunday, Fishing with his grandson during summer vacation, whatever this man is doing is exactly what he wants to be doing and there in nothing cooler than that!

I hope my muse is almost finished with me because it is about time for me to be cool!
Later

Greek Fest

Photo by Anniebluesky

My families love, and I do mean love, for Greek festivals comes from a long, loving relationship our daughter had with a Greek Man. You see she worked with a Greek family who owned a small restaurant in Gulf Breeze, Florida. When she first moved to Florida she started to look for work and the owner of the place told her to come back tomorrow, she went back the next day and had a job. Now I use the term job loosely because he treated her like his daughter. But she loved him like the Greek he was, she loved this Greek man. She worked alongside him for years making all kinds of authentic Greek foods listening to his stories of his childhood in Greece. They became very close and through that relationship my wife and I became good friends with him also. I would stop by the restaurant after school and help a little bit with whatever needed to be done and Mr. Greek would provide lunch for me most of the time free of charge. We went to Greek festivals and watched his children dance. They were awesome dancers and we were proud of them like they were our own children. Our daughter would partake in the Ouzo and lust after the Greek men in Toga's.

We were always a bit envious of their sense of belonging (I am referring to the Greeks here), their history, their oneness because they all share a common heritage. We are of European decent but none of the contributing countries contributed enough for us to declare I am "X." Where X equals a country we could declare we are from. All of the Greeks we knew were very kind and giving. The men were the best of friends and fought like they were still teenagers. There were times that grown men over the age of forty would have a tiff and not speak for months. Only to be found together again months later drinking and laughing after having made up. I was never privy to a Greek make up but I would have loved to seen one. The women on the other hand, well they are treated a little differently but they are a stoic bunch, strong and opinionated. When Ya-Ya was at the restaurant you had to watch what you said and did.

The Greek Fest is in Saint Augustine this weekend and we had to stop by. We were lucky enough to see the kids dancing their traditional dances. I have always liked it when someone runs out while they are dancing and showers them with money. That makes me smile every time. We picked up a few food items and some wedding cookies. The whole time I kept thinking about our daughter who came as close as anybody I know to becoming Greek without having Greek blood. She would have cried a few tears today at the Greek festival for the Festivals she has missed and the people whom she loved. It tugged at both of our hearts and made us miss a place we dearly loved.

I am a little envious of him being raised in such a beautiful place.

picture by Maria and Thilo

Pensacola Greek Festival, November 14-16th

There was also a Shrimp festival back home on the Gulf Coast this weekend. What a weekend for festivals huh?

First Christmas Tree sighting 2008

Photo by laffy4k

Yesterday, October 9th, 2008 I was sent out to retrieve dinner for my beloved. As I was driving to pick up said dinner I looked over at the local Walgreens. I say local because I believe that currently everyone has a local Walgreens. I do believe they will soon start building one Walgreens per subdivision. I don't know who the hell shops there, it certainly is not my family. But back to the story as I was driving to pick up dinner I looked over at the Walgreens and noticed Christmas trees in the windows.
Year after year I mention to my family when holiday decorations first appear. It is a sickness of mine that I am compelled to share these things when I notice them. I am always on the lookout for the first Valentine's day, Halloween, Thanksgiving decorations that are available and report it back to my family. As a side note none of them give a damn when these things appear they have what some people call, "lives." I on the other hand must stay vigilant about these minute details. So I decided to write this entry to allow me to create a timeline to use as a reference next year to see if the stores are truly starting the holiday season earlier and earlier each year. As I suspect they are.
One sad note about all of this is the demise of Thanksgiving decorating. It seems that the stores have decided Thanksgiving is not a very marketable holiday and they seem to jump from Halloween straight to Christmas. I love Christmas just as much as the next person but Thanksgiving may be my favorite holiday. We seem to get custody of our daughter on Thanksgiving because our SIL and the communist Canadians do not celebrate our Thanksgiving they have one of their own. By the way I have no idea what Canadians would be thankful for, bunch of drunks.

Fall is upon us

Central Park

Photo by : Roopeshkk's

This is the best time of year for just about everything. Camping is great; it’s cool enough to sleep at night and the bugs are not as irritating. Any activity that one can do outdoors is better when the weather gets cooler. We are at the end of our hot humid summer and we have all of this energy to expend before the winter sets in and we become more sedentary (I personally hibernate, seriously). Of course here in NEFL we still have our A/C on but the temperatures are in the low 80’s and much lower humidity than normal.
With this change in temperatures, people have crept out of their homes en mass. Everywhere we went today people were out walking, biking, running, yard saleing (Not sure that is a word), and all in all just enjoying the beautiful weather. I observed all of the people who were out enjoying the day today and noticed each of their prospective appearances. Some of the bicyclist had children in tow or their significant other with them. They biked along at a leisurely pace enjoying the sunshine and cool air. While others had on as little spandex as possible and rode their bikes with purpose. These people were out for exercise; they were not interested in the trees, animals or nature that they were flying by. I couldn't’t tell if they were trying to get away from something or trying to get to something, but they were in a hurry. While I greatly respect these people I would say I identify more with the former group rather than the latter group.
I watched all of the people out walking today, easily a hundred people. They exuded the same kind of characteristics as the bicyclists. Many were out with their children in strollers walking at a snails pace, looking at all the flowers in bloom and smelling the honeysuckle. Some were walking hand in hand with loved ones, while others had to keep an eye on the family pet. Then there were those who had the bare minimum clothing on and were running or jogging with all they had. I admire these people, I really do they have the panache to give it all they have. These are the people who get things done.
My favorite people were those of mixed relationships. Where one of the family members was on a bicycle and one was jogging alongside. They kept pace with one another and the one riding was not sweating nearly as much as the one running. It seemed the one riding the bicycle was kind of drinking in the sights while the one running had a different motivation for this experience.
What was most interesting is all I had to do was look at one of these people for one split second and I knew if they were exercising or just enjoying being outdoors. I thought about how I appear to others when I am out walking or bicycling. I am pretty certain I look the same if I am exercising or if I am just out for a leisurely stroll. I sweat, move slowly, and always look tired. If you ever see me out walking even if you think I am exercising do me a favor and offer me a ride home. Thanks

Fall Colours @ our Family beach
Photo by: Austin

Heads or Tails you call it!

Whew it has been a while since I last posted. Sorry about that ya’ll. My life has taken a crazy path lately. I decided against joining the corporate masses in the trenches toiling away at their careers while missing out on life. I haven’t arrived at any decision as what I will be now that I crossed Tycoon Corporate Attorney off my list (what makes it easy to cross off my list is I could have done it easily because it is built on my worst traits) . There has been rumblings of teaching, nursing, and financial advisor but nothing has been decided as of yet. I am surprisingly unworried about this and I will share with you why.

Throughout my life I have always walked backwards into great situations with people who look out for me. I of all people worked at one of the most intellectually dynamic research facilities in the country, quite possibly the world. Did I plan that? Did I know that was going to happen? The answer is both yes and no. I knew that where I went and what I did would put me in contact with people who could mentor me and maybe open doors I couldn’t open myself. So I knew something would happen but I had no idea what was going to happen or when. My sin in all of this is I have never been open to the possibility that I was not going to be an attorney. I walked away from situations that I could have turned into brilliant careers. All because in my mind all I could see myself being was an attorney. I guess you could call that narrow minded. That’s what we will call it for now because I cannot think of anything better to call it.

So now that Attorney is off my list of great things to do with my life everyone is worried about what will replace it. I was sick with worry over this for a long time and that did nothing but make me miserable. I have never been one to worry about such things. I always knew that what was meant to be for me would reveal itself when it is time. So instead of being worried about what, who, or where I am going to be, I am excited at all the possibilities I have. I had become so focused on being an attorney I missed out on many opportunities. I am open now to what the world reveals to me. My health is my number one concern right now because if I don’t take care of myself I will not be around to experience the next great thing that happens in my life, even if it is just a relaxing night at home with my wife.

Day Ten......

I miss you Mom!

I have some bread out on the counter; I put it there yesterday. It is starting to get moldy so I will eat it here in a little bit. This should help me with how I am feeling I am still achy. Hey, in the long run it will save me some money because I don’t have to buy any penicillin.

Last night was amazing; I have never seen so many fireworks displayed in such a small area. There is no doubt in my mind that the neighbors across the street spent at least a thousand dollars on fireworks. I watched some of them and then I saw them clean up the mess. The garbage from the spent fireworks filled up and rounded the bed of a truck, full sized truck mind you, quite impressive. The thing that tickles me the most is there were police officers at the fireworks store keeping the peace. When patrons entered the establishment they had to sign a waiver stating they were using the fireworks to scare off vermin. How funny is that? Let me tell you there were no vermin in the streets last night because everyone was trying to scare them off.

I wonder if everyone is experiencing the strange feelings I am having today. The last time I felt like this was the last day of summer vacation at my Grandparents before I had to go back home. Kind of the last day of camp, you’re happy to be going home and seeing the people you miss, but you are going to miss your summer fun. That is what I am feeling exactly but I think it is an emotion I am feeling for my wife, daughter, and Dirty Mexican. Let’s call it sympathy pains because that is the only word that comes near what I am feeling. This is like a Ya-Ya Sisterhood of the traveling pants moment.

Today is my wife’s last full day in Bermuda she comes home tomorrow. My daughter and wife love each other so much, I know they will be sad at the thought of parting, they don’t get to spend much time together. I am sad for my wife because I know how much she has enjoyed being there and wished she could stay longer. But like they say one mans’ trash is another mans’ treasure. I look forward to seeing her in my own small way. I missed her just a tiny bit, not much, just a little. To be honest I don’t need her as much as Petey I just want her back for Peter’s sake. Yeah, that’s it, Sweety you need to come home for Petey he needs you.

I am so prooud of my family. I don't know many families that could be together on vacation as long as mine has been without killing each other. I Thank the Lord every night for them.

Fourth of July.....

4th of July Jacksonville

Fourth of July, St. Louis

I woke up feeling giddy, like a child, like I had fireworks I was going to set off. Like I was going to see fireworks. I am some kind of special and I am sick. I received a few phone calls in the middle of the night from a few different countries. It is amazing what your friends decide is ok just because you are home alone. I think it is a guy thing, if any of them thought that my wife was here they would have never called. But they know she isn't, so call away they did.

The Fourth of July we are supposed to be at our lake house or beach house today and BBQ the day away. The children are supposed to get sunburnt, while the men drink to much, and the women are so happy to have their families around.

As I said I am a bit under the weather. I think maybe I have a stomach virus or something. I ache all over that is for sure.

I wanted to share something though. In these pictures that my wife took last night I can see such good people. She captured a side of the dirty Mexican I have never seen before. He looked so happy and carefree. I have never seen this side of him and it warms my heart. I am going to show you a picture of the R I know and them the R that was there last night.

He seems to always be thinking. About what, who knows?

How happy does he look? he looks at ease and that is awesome.

Speaking of "at ease." One of the phone calls I received last night was a discussion on how good my daughter looked. The caller believed that my daughter has turned a corner. The caller said that my daughter had looked sad to him for a long time and that she looked totally different last night. How refreshing to hear my daughter is so happy. I was also told that the caller was so happy to see my wife and so sad to see her go he teared up a little. Oh late night calls, why do you vex me so?


Here are some other folks from last night

This guy looks like my Uncle Mike. When I was a kid he would let us see his playboys and wouldnt get upset when we did stupid kid stuff. The ladies really liked him and I think they like this one too.


This is my daughters good friend, how pretty is she? If you remember from an earlier post she is the one who gets her victims drunk then, well you know.

This Dirty Mexican drank too much and ate everyones' leftovers.

I may be going to Mexic....Bermuda in a few weeks, maybe.

Day Eight....whew....

I would trade a million dollars for a day with any one of my family members. This includes the dirty Mexican. (Well I’d give a hundred for the Mexican) If this had happened at any of the places we lived before here. I doubt I would be suffering this much. In St. Louis, Tallahassee, Gulf Breeze, or Nashville I would have plans for the 4th of July. I would probably already have a stash of fireworks ready to party, I would have probably been to a few ball games, definitely would have been at a couple of drunk gatherings. I would have scored a home cooked meal more than once. Hell, in Nashville Celine not only washes but also folds my clothes. I would have gone sailing, played basketball, lounged by the pool, chilled at the beach. I would have had at least one dinner out at a nice restaurant. I think my family is trying to teach me a lesson here and I don’t like it, nor do I understand the lesson. Tomorrow is the 4th of July and I am not sure what Petey and I are going to do. Last night we went on a short walk, which made him sleep comfortably through the night. Surprisingly Pete didn’t freak when we were walking because of all the fireworks people were lighting. We will try to go for a walk again tonight.

I have been looking at pictures of our last house and am a little confused. The whole time we lived there I was in some kind of stupor. I couldn’t really focus on anything, my world, the world; our world was so upside down. If you told me the house was pretty I could not agree. I didn’t see the beauty in the place at all. There was so much pain and agony there. The feeling of despair, hopelessness, and fear dominated our lives there. These pictures are absolutely beautiful and this place was a sanctuary while my family went through its own hell. It seems so serene and peaceful, I can only hope we find a place that is this beautiful where we can make a home. Soon!

I hope he is still fishin

I Miss him

Our Daughter's Wedding day. Yes, those are rainbows.

Our view of the world.

I would go to every family event if I could turn back time.
I want Tommy Bahama Furiture. Guess what? I had it.
I never saw the beauty.
How did I not see it?
I am deeply sorry for what I missed.
God was there, My family was there, where was I?

My Best friend was married here. My best friend died here. I lost my best friend here.

When you ask why it is hard to make a decision I never tell you its because I failed you all so miserably. I wasn’t there and had I been there and present, life would have been much easier for all of you. I am scared of doing the wrong thing, again. I am terrified of making a choice because I have made horrible ones up until now. When you all needed me the most I was not there, when I could have made the most difference I was not there. When you all needed your best friend I was not there. The world is passing by and I want to be there.

LESSON LEARNED

Day Seven in my own World….

I received this photo from my amigo D. Sanchez. He was passing through Guadalajara on his way to the States and he saw this woman and thought it may be my daughter. Guess what? It is my daughter I don’t think I will be seeing her again you can see she has been consumed by the ways of the Mexicans. You can see the heat that envelops her; I wouldn’t doubt her dirty Mexican boyfriend is using her as a mule.

Petey follows my every move it is so sad. I think he is scared I will leave him and then he will be all alone. The number seven is an important number for me as it is my favorite number and my lucky number. Today though the number seven represents a calendar week that I have been alone. I find that if I don’t leave the house that I become very distraught and depressed. So today I left the house to get us lunch from a fast food hole.

The neighborhood children are outside setting off fireworks, I hope that they start shooting at each other soon. I know some of them will end up severely hurt and I am ok with that. One of the children’s’ Nerf balls has been in the backyard for a while. I brought it in and soaked it in antifreeze hoping they will eat it. I have heard this works in getting rid of pests. I threw it back into their yard and hopefully things will get real quiet over there soon. Their Monkey of a mother may end up eating it making me very happy. No, No, I kid, I kid, ……maybe.

Earlier I had the inclination to give myself a little treat. I have done nothing special this whole time. I definitely have not had a decent meal these past seven days that is for sure. So I started thinking about maybe going to a decent place for a meal but I forgot I haven’t had my neck shaved in awhile, so that is out. So I had some cereal, honey nut cheerios are not that bad. Petey is looking very unruly, I am waiting until the morning of the 4th to give him a bath because I know he will be absolutely miserable that night.


I am out of frozen meals and I have no idea what we are going to do for sustenance. Life as Peter and I have known it is going to change terribly today. Its as if a third world country has taken over our Rental house. My stomach is distended and I have chronic fat ass. Save yourselves.


What I would give to have my family back!

Day 6 with No one....

I really don't care my daughter has chosen to be with this dirty Man. What really gets me is the subliminal message she is sending me. Do you see it? Look at the computer, notice it now? Jesus may love you, but I think you are an A$$hole. There is no question in my mind who this is aimed at. I just wish she would leave Mexico and come home. He is so greasy! If you look real close you can see a dirty mexican dog.

I walked out into the front yard this morning to retrieve the garbage can. Petey came out with me and just started walking down the road. I watched in silence for a while as he continued down the road. I thought at first he was running away but he looked back at me as to say “goodbye.” At that moment I realized he was moving out and I don’t blame him. He needs to go out, and follow his dreams, I am just holding him back. I watched until he was almost out of sight then started to take the trash can back in. He came running into the garage behind me, like he was happy to see me, like it had been years since we had been together. We grunted and ran around the house so happy to be back together. In his own way I could tell he was concerned that I didn’t come get him when he left. So I told him through a form of charade type acting, that I do not know what the future holds, so save yourself. It was hard to act it out, but he understood and I rubbed his belly.

I received a phone call this morning from a lady asking me how I was doing? As I have stated before my communication skills and auditory functions make it hard for me to reply, “fine.” I was brought to tears that this stranger thought enough to call me and ask me about my life. We had a long talk about what has been happening in the world. What we think is going to happen in the future. She said she is sending over some witnesses, of some sort, to visit with me. I am just so happy I will have company soon. I have to go get some chips and dip. I couldn’t be more excited to have guests.

My age has crept up on me and I just recently realized that I really don’t have an opinion on many things. I remember one time in a class the instructor told us she and her husband could not agree on how toilet paper should be put on its holder. The paper coming over the top, or coming from the bottom, each thought that their way was right. It never occurred to me that I should have an opinion on such matters. I am just happy when there is paper there when I need it. Today I had a breakthrough, I definitively like the toilet paper coming over the top. Now my next question is, “What am I going to do with the rest of my life?”

Day 5

What? What? WHAT?

There is very little noise in the house these days but in the evenings the locals enjoy setting off fireworks, which upsets Pete. This morning the celebration continued with the fireworks but I am having a hard time hearing them. Pete jumps but I guess he has better hearing than I. I am noticing my hearing is getting worse by the day; I have the television blaring and have missed phone calls. I guess with little or no communication my need for auditory functions are shutting down.
I am determined to give my body the nourishment it needs today. I started off with a mixture of oatmeal and sugar, I am physically ill now. My body is not reacting how I hoped it would. I bathed last night and now Petey will not come near me except when he hears fireworks. I plan on making Salisbury steak this evening and rubbing some of the gravy on myself, this should make he and I friends again.
My daughter contacted me yesterday to try to cover up her lies. I could hear people speaking Spanish in the background. It is a well-known fact she likes kissing greasy Mexicans and eating tacos from street vendors. I almost didn’t hear the phone except Petey howled so I knew something was happening. She is very deceitful but I guess I have no one to blame but myself. I found a picture of a woman, whom I believe to be my wife. Even in my stupor I know I like “pretty” women. I am including a picture here to remind myself that I was married.




Isn't she beautiful?

I need to mop today, I have put it off for too long. It is essential that I start doing activities that civilized people do.

I have chemified Petey leaving myself with no one to have physical contact with. I throw stuff at the neighbors children when I see them but it’s not the same as petting them. I may go to a pet store later so I could be near a living creature. I went to the bookstore earlier today and sat as close as I could to a lady but she was repulsed by my Roast beefiness. I tried to explain to her I was alone and just wanted to be near someone but she just yelled at me and left. I don’t know why she was so upset she was really ugly I figured she would be lonely too. (This is a joke I didn't really leave the house today this is just for fun and that lady cant prove anything)

I synchronized my computer with a NASA satelite to find the exact locations of my family members. You can plainly see where my daughter is. She is breaking my heart.

The St. Louis Cardinals are on TV tonight. Thank Lord I needed something to give me hope. I always watch hoping to catch a glimpse of my cousin or maybe some friends.

My Daughter, "the LIAR!"

This is a picture I found of my daughter who is "supposedly" in Bermuda. Read the sign you be the judge. If you see her tell her, "por favor viene a casa le amo." She claims to have just had back surgery and unable to call me or speak with me but from the looks of this picture she is fine and in Mexico. Why does she lie to me?


Four days with no human contact has changed both Petey and myself. Language is no longer needed we use gestures and odd guttural noises to communicate with one another. I am not sure how long we can continue like this. I have an odd compulsion to paint scenes depicting our lives on the walls so that when we are discovered those who find us can figure out how we lived. My underwear is holding up very well. I think they will be good until winter. I have been meaning to bath Petey but our scents have become one and I know by bathing him it will make my scent repulse him, and right now he is all I have. I have to get out of this cave and seek companionship.

My daughter has disowned me as her father and I don’t blame her I have become a shell of a man. I wonder the house with no destination in mind with Petey following closely behind. I wonder often whether he wants to just be near me or is he waiting for me to die so he can eat me. I don’t blame him either way, I smell like roast beef. I have cut open his dog food so that if I pass in the night he will be able to survive until someone discovers my body. It is Sunday the 29th of June, and I have no idea where I am right now. The only people I know sleep on Sundays and they wouldn’t hear their phone when they are awake, they blare their MTV. I have made the unilateral decision to bath myself later today so I can go out tomorrow and forage for food that doesn’t suck.

Plans for this week:
1. Get to the gym
2. See the sunrise maybe even take Petey to see it.
3. Chemify Petey and bath him- need to do this before the 4th of July
4. Ben and Jerry’s is on big sale so I will eat some of that
5. I need to read some more of the “Secret” I get off track very easily but when I read it I feel better
6. Drink the rest of my beer
7. Donuts – I want ‘em (I will put this together with seeing the sunrise so I get a twofer)
8. Start eating healthier- I haven’t seen a vegetable in a long time


I believe it is this woman who has kidnapped my family. Sure she looks cute and harmless but she is the "One." If you see these people they are Canadian and dangerous.It is apparent she uses alcohol to subdue her victims, this man doesn't even know he is done for.

day 3 with no Wifey

Day 3 sans the Wife

Today I decided to dabble a little in mind-altering drugs. I didn’t do it on purpose it just kind of happened. It started last night when I decided to take a sleep aid to help me get to sleep. When I woke up this morning I was in a daze. I couldn’t focus my eyes and my balance was a little off. None of this affected my hunger though so I had to find something to eat. I stumbled into the kitchen and opened the fridge and yeehaw there was the sushi I purchased yesterday (see picture). Side note: it is always best to eat sushi fresh because something happens to it the longer it sits. So I sat down to eat some sushi for breakfast. I know what you’re thinking; this guy has his life together eating something so healthy first thing in the morning. The sushi didn’t exactly settle my breakfast hunger so I decided to have a couple of crackers with cheese. Seeing as I came this far I decided to have a couple of those crackers with peanut butter and jelly. So with breakfast over I had a good thirst going. Hey I have that new beer I wanted to try so why not? So I popped open a Sam Adams and enjoyed a cold beer. BTW this is quite a tasty beer indeed. The combination of residual sleep aid, sushi, cheese, peanut butter, jelly, crackers and beer has resulted in me not feeling very stable. People pay to feel as messed up as I am right now. I am not sure if the day can get any better.
My plans for today were to mop (the ongoing cleaning of the house) the kitchen and bathrooms. Then at some point get out of the house to do some running, anything really. But I do believe driving at this point would be detrimental to my health and the public’s safety. So maybe I will nap. Petey has finally stopped keeping an eye out for the wife. Hell for a few minutes today I forgot I had a wife anyway.
I have rugs from all over the house in multiple stages of drying on the back porch. I have acclimated to sleeping in a king size bed by myself and I do believe it is my preferred method of sleeping.

I wanted to address a few items here one being that I rec’d a correspondence from a woman claiming to be my wife who said that the Tupperware is and I quote, “Tupperware --> stand in front of the sink...side step left...it is the cabinet by your knees”
I stood in front of the sink and side stepped to the left and looked in the cabinet by my knees. Do you know what I found? Pots and pans my friends. So this is good because I was looking for those also. What I did not find was the Tupperware so to the lady who responded with this false information.

You my friend are an imposter…..

Words to live by today; “It is good for the soul to invest in something you have no control over”

How delicious does this look?

You know how they say looks can be deceiving? Well that is the truth because as scrumptuous as this looks (lol) it tasted like dog food!

the storm

We had a storm today that I thought was going to spawn a tornado. It was one of the strongest storms I have experienced. I only caught the last little bit of it and then had to find Petey. Check it out.

I found Petey shivering in the Bathroom shaking and scared out of his fur, poor fella.

Day 2 Without Wifey

Let me start with confession. I was brought out of a deep sleep by a phone call from my missing wife. She is having a blast and is in awe of the beauty of Bermuda. I am sure there are pictures forthcoming that will stun us all because I do remember Bermuda being very picturesque. I of course acted like I had been awake when she called but I don’t think I convinced her. I might as well have been drunk. So on to my confession/ embarrassment of the day. I stumbled out into the living room after the phone call and sat down to visit with Pete and turned on the TV. It was the start of a movie, hmmm, I wondered what it could be. It was a Tom Cruise movie, but not one I had ever seen. So I let it go for a few minutes and found out the movie was “Cocktail.” The movie where he is a bartender that puts on a show as he makes drinks. I watched 20 minutes of this monstrosity and when the first commercial came on I asked myself. “What the hell are you doing?” I had no answer so I turned the TV off.

The day has been going nicely I did some more cleaning. There was a small immigrant family living under our coffee table. I let them stay, who am I to deny them the pleasure of my company. I finally got out and decided that Wal-Mart is to far away for the few things I needed so I went to Publix. Time to get all of the foods my beloved doesn't care for. This includes anything that has "helper" in the name.


What a Picture huh? All of the food groups represented meat, frozen foods, beer and snacks. It was so apparent that I was living alone the guy who bagged my groceries said, Enjoying being a bachelor? I walked out with my chest puffed out, I still have it baby, yeahhhh.

The day is half over I may have more to share later.

Life without a Wife

For the next 10 days I am wife-free. The beautiful misses is off in Bermuda visiting loved ones. 10 full days of not having to cook or clean. I will let my beard grow to Grizzly Adams proportions. I will scratch myself and make manly noises without any shame. (Because sometimes I do have shame, sometimes) If I don’t plan these next 10 days out they will pass by and the only thing I will have done is try the new Samuel Adams Summer beer. Note to self, pick up some Samuel Adams beer.
So here is the playbook as I see it. It will be ever evolving and changing, don’t think of it as a static plan but as a flowing life form, ever changing and reinventing itself. I am going to keep my notes on the happenings here for everyone to follow along and live vicariously through me (or just laugh at me). SO First things first I have to get the house nice and clean. Why, you ask? Because I can’t do anything when I know my house is dirty. Hush, hush, and don’t make fun of me it’s an issue I am dealing with.

Here is what has happened thus far:
1. I removed all of her bedding from the bed so I can dominate the whole King size bed. I do enjoy using all of the bed its a little treat as far as I am concerned.
2. I cleaned one of the bathrooms already and designated it as off limits. No one will use this bathroom until the lady of the house returns.
3. I have decided that mans best friend can share the bed while I am alone so that means at some point the dog needs a good bath.
4. I consumed maximum portions at “Flavors” Indian restaurant so I will not have to cook anything this evening. This is kind of Guy code, eat out so you don’t have to clean. This will become vital after I clean the kitchen at some point. Because I don’t want to clean it twice.
5. I have laundry going. I am going to try to get everything in the house clean and then just wear 2 pairs of underwear while I am alone. One pair for when I am home and the other for when I go out. This is a model of efficiency that I believe will produce the best results.

A few issues have already arisen. The first is I don’t know where we keep most of our stuff. I was able to find the cleaning supplies but sadly I am not sure how to use some of them. The second is I have made a stand over the past year to not deal with Tupperware (or Tupperware type stuff). So I have no idea where it goes or even how to stack all of it once I find it.

Tomorrow has a couple of decisions for me to make. I am either going to Wal-mart to pick up a few items or I will go to a strip club. One place is full of people who look beat down and sad with their lives, but they have cheap food. The other has naked women, lol.
So I will probably go to Wal-mart. If anyone has any suggestions, let them fly.

Honey if you read this, where do we keep the Tupperware?

Fernandina beach on Amelia Island

There were fresh baked goods, crab cakes, hydrangeas, wines, coffees and a plethora of other goods. One particular vendor had pitas he had just made earlier that morning, I regret not purchasing any, and they looked so good. The crowd was a mix of young and old, many of whom had ridden their bicycles to the market, contributing to the small town ambience of the morning. Greetings of “Good Morning” and “Hi, How are you?” filled the air.
After we had perused all the offerings of the market we decided to walk through downtown along Center Street. The road was lined with large trees giving everyone much appreciated shade and framing a picturesque downtown.
There were plenty of little shops and boutiques. Some we have seen many times before and a few that were new to us. We struck up a conversation with the proprietor of “Go Fish” about the area. We inquired whether this area was a tourist destination or just a small town. She confided in us that there are many tourists visiting now but that in the off-season they depend on the locals to make ends meet. I can’t say that the area felt like a tourist destination at all, it felt like Anysmalltown, USA.

(The photographer that took these pictures is getting better and better at her craft)

Outside the bookstore on Center Street there was an author selling/signing his book “Peter the Pelican.” Jerry “Pop” Bishop, the author, was one of the nicest people you could ever hope to meet. He shared with us that the inspiration for his book, Peter, has visited him every winter since 2000. The book contains a picture of Pop and Peter on their dock. What a wonderful little find this was. We do not have any children but decided we wanted a copy of the book anyway. He signed his book and posed for multiple photos

We had a refreshing lunch at “Brett’s waterway café” overlooking the Amelia River. The water taxi from Fernandina to St. Mary’s Georgia is running now and while we were dining the water taxi pulled in with quite a few passengers. Next time we will plan on taking the water taxi for an evening ride. We will be sure to make it on a Friday evening when there is all you can eat crab legs at Langs seafood in St. Mary's.

The houses in the downtown area had so much character; there was a little bit of Savannah, New Orleans, and Charleston.
"These folks looked so comfortable and content"

With a bit of sadness we decided it was time to leave. We drove out to the beach to say goodbye. The beach there rivals anything you would find in our area and the people were out in droves enjoying the sunshine. More than once I heard the words, “I would love to live here.” I have to say I agree it would be a wonderful place to call home.

Things that make you go hmmmm

Here is a picture of our house. Mrs. Bumble claims to be very picky about how clean we keep our house. We work diligently to keep our house nice and neat.



I made a pact with myself about two weeks ago. I decided I was tired of doing dishes and making dinner. So I pretty much stopped making dinner. I thought that this may upset the balance in the house but it really went unnoticed. Not only did no one in the house get upset that there was no “hot meal” every night, no one took it upon their selves to make dinner. So in my house we sit until everyone is so hungry that they can’t stand it and then we argue over what food to go pick up, Chinese food, McDonashits, etc. This is not the reason for this post though. This post is to discuss a phenomenon in my house. I like the word “phenomenon.”

Since I have stopped making dinner I thought that my time spent doing dishes would decrease dramatically. Oh how wrong I was, I still do dishes every freaking night and most times twice a day. Mrs. Bumble has to have a special cup for her meds in the morning then she has a coffee mug she immediately dirties afterwards. Then miraculously with no food in the house to take for lunch she produces multiple pieces of Tupperware that have been used. This last tidbit is being investigated by multiple government agencies. It is believed to be connected with the disappearance of greasy food in “area 51.” It is my belief she takes the Tupperware to work and lets other people heat their food in the Tupperware so she can bring it home for me to wash. Beyond Mrs. Bumbles Tupperware exploits I have no idea who dirties all the freaking dishes. There are many days that I walk into the kitchen and freak out wondering who has been in our kitchen. I know this isn’t confined to my house so let me ask you all. Do you still have a mess of dishes everyday even though you don’t make a mess? Well………


By the way these are very much like the lights I want to hang in our backyard. We will drink wine under them on cool evenings and warm ourselves by a fire. This is Outdoor D approved.



Disclaimer: the picture of the living room is not exactly our house we rearranged a few things so that those who know us will not be embarrassed.