I haven't always been a fatty

I have friends that have been heavy their whole lives and I wonder often if it is better to have been healthy and then heavy or to always have been heavy. Psychologically how does this affect our personalities, our relationships, most of all our self-esteem? I can’t answer for those who have always been heavy but I can answer for those of us who have not always been heavy…. Or should I say fat… its my blog so fat it is.

I was very outgoing and always the center of the party. I didn’t meet a stranger and could fit into almost any situation. My friends were older, younger, across the spectrum. I never really worried about how I looked. Unbeknownst to me I was a decent looking guy and was just rolling with the punches. I played sports and was always into something, basketball, whatever and I even had a stint of running. I liked running a lot it was surreal. There I would be, on an old country road, in the middle of nowhere, just running. I loved it.

I was married at the age of 18 and have been for 17 years. She loved me I had no idea why. She is a helluva cook, man the things she would make were so damn good. I ate it up and got bigger every day. I was a mammoth of a man at the age of 23 well over 400 lbs. At this time my confidence was good. Why you ask? Because I didn’t know I was so fat. In my head I was still that guy running around being charming. But the outside world saw a fatass. I mean it in the worst possible way. I was and am today a fatass. I don’t understand how S loved me through this I didn’t love myself.

I had enough and off to Jenny Craig I went. We walked out of JC with a lot less cash and some dog food. It’s easy to lose weight when the food you eat sucks. I did it for about a week and said that’s not for me but I get the jest of the program. I started working out and developed a nice physique. In about a year I was back to about 200 lbs. I would say I was in the best physical shape of my life. My confidence was off the charts, here I was, and I overcome this horrible fate of being fat. People looked at me different, spoke to me different, and just all around acted different towards me. The fat me was dead, long live the new kick ass me. I was a gym rat, we played tennis, and we went to the beach and were always doing something.

I had a bad couple of years with personal issues and the weight came back with a vengeance. S never said anything to me about my weight. Sometimes I wish she had but I don’t know how I would have reacted. S is horrible about telling me things, she doesn’t say a word, I hate that. I make it a point to tell her if something is awry. I want her to always look her best and she does look good. So here I am heavy again, angry and pathetic. The world once again does not see me. I am a walking invisible man, a very large invisible man. I am recently back on the bandwagon of eating right and exercising. I did it once I can do it again!

I have seen the world through a healthy mans eyes and through a fat man’s eyes. If I could change anything it would be to have never become fat. It truly is the most crippling disease there is in this world. (I am not just talking about the health hazards but the psychological hazards) It is hard to go outside every day and face the world. Other’s can say, “Oh I have a thyroid problem,” or a litany of other maladies. But to just be fat like me is the worst, there is no excuse for me sitting here fat.

I think those that have always been fat have come to identify themselves as the "fat person" and are scared of the people they would become without that blanket to protect them...... Sick I know but I think its the truth