Day 5

What? What? WHAT?

There is very little noise in the house these days but in the evenings the locals enjoy setting off fireworks, which upsets Pete. This morning the celebration continued with the fireworks but I am having a hard time hearing them. Pete jumps but I guess he has better hearing than I. I am noticing my hearing is getting worse by the day; I have the television blaring and have missed phone calls. I guess with little or no communication my need for auditory functions are shutting down.
I am determined to give my body the nourishment it needs today. I started off with a mixture of oatmeal and sugar, I am physically ill now. My body is not reacting how I hoped it would. I bathed last night and now Petey will not come near me except when he hears fireworks. I plan on making Salisbury steak this evening and rubbing some of the gravy on myself, this should make he and I friends again.
My daughter contacted me yesterday to try to cover up her lies. I could hear people speaking Spanish in the background. It is a well-known fact she likes kissing greasy Mexicans and eating tacos from street vendors. I almost didn’t hear the phone except Petey howled so I knew something was happening. She is very deceitful but I guess I have no one to blame but myself. I found a picture of a woman, whom I believe to be my wife. Even in my stupor I know I like “pretty” women. I am including a picture here to remind myself that I was married.




Isn't she beautiful?

I need to mop today, I have put it off for too long. It is essential that I start doing activities that civilized people do.

I have chemified Petey leaving myself with no one to have physical contact with. I throw stuff at the neighbors children when I see them but it’s not the same as petting them. I may go to a pet store later so I could be near a living creature. I went to the bookstore earlier today and sat as close as I could to a lady but she was repulsed by my Roast beefiness. I tried to explain to her I was alone and just wanted to be near someone but she just yelled at me and left. I don’t know why she was so upset she was really ugly I figured she would be lonely too. (This is a joke I didn't really leave the house today this is just for fun and that lady cant prove anything)

I synchronized my computer with a NASA satelite to find the exact locations of my family members. You can plainly see where my daughter is. She is breaking my heart.

The St. Louis Cardinals are on TV tonight. Thank Lord I needed something to give me hope. I always watch hoping to catch a glimpse of my cousin or maybe some friends.

My Daughter, "the LIAR!"

This is a picture I found of my daughter who is "supposedly" in Bermuda. Read the sign you be the judge. If you see her tell her, "por favor viene a casa le amo." She claims to have just had back surgery and unable to call me or speak with me but from the looks of this picture she is fine and in Mexico. Why does she lie to me?


Four days with no human contact has changed both Petey and myself. Language is no longer needed we use gestures and odd guttural noises to communicate with one another. I am not sure how long we can continue like this. I have an odd compulsion to paint scenes depicting our lives on the walls so that when we are discovered those who find us can figure out how we lived. My underwear is holding up very well. I think they will be good until winter. I have been meaning to bath Petey but our scents have become one and I know by bathing him it will make my scent repulse him, and right now he is all I have. I have to get out of this cave and seek companionship.

My daughter has disowned me as her father and I don’t blame her I have become a shell of a man. I wonder the house with no destination in mind with Petey following closely behind. I wonder often whether he wants to just be near me or is he waiting for me to die so he can eat me. I don’t blame him either way, I smell like roast beef. I have cut open his dog food so that if I pass in the night he will be able to survive until someone discovers my body. It is Sunday the 29th of June, and I have no idea where I am right now. The only people I know sleep on Sundays and they wouldn’t hear their phone when they are awake, they blare their MTV. I have made the unilateral decision to bath myself later today so I can go out tomorrow and forage for food that doesn’t suck.

Plans for this week:
1. Get to the gym
2. See the sunrise maybe even take Petey to see it.
3. Chemify Petey and bath him- need to do this before the 4th of July
4. Ben and Jerry’s is on big sale so I will eat some of that
5. I need to read some more of the “Secret” I get off track very easily but when I read it I feel better
6. Drink the rest of my beer
7. Donuts – I want ‘em (I will put this together with seeing the sunrise so I get a twofer)
8. Start eating healthier- I haven’t seen a vegetable in a long time


I believe it is this woman who has kidnapped my family. Sure she looks cute and harmless but she is the "One." If you see these people they are Canadian and dangerous.It is apparent she uses alcohol to subdue her victims, this man doesn't even know he is done for.

day 3 with no Wifey

Day 3 sans the Wife

Today I decided to dabble a little in mind-altering drugs. I didn’t do it on purpose it just kind of happened. It started last night when I decided to take a sleep aid to help me get to sleep. When I woke up this morning I was in a daze. I couldn’t focus my eyes and my balance was a little off. None of this affected my hunger though so I had to find something to eat. I stumbled into the kitchen and opened the fridge and yeehaw there was the sushi I purchased yesterday (see picture). Side note: it is always best to eat sushi fresh because something happens to it the longer it sits. So I sat down to eat some sushi for breakfast. I know what you’re thinking; this guy has his life together eating something so healthy first thing in the morning. The sushi didn’t exactly settle my breakfast hunger so I decided to have a couple of crackers with cheese. Seeing as I came this far I decided to have a couple of those crackers with peanut butter and jelly. So with breakfast over I had a good thirst going. Hey I have that new beer I wanted to try so why not? So I popped open a Sam Adams and enjoyed a cold beer. BTW this is quite a tasty beer indeed. The combination of residual sleep aid, sushi, cheese, peanut butter, jelly, crackers and beer has resulted in me not feeling very stable. People pay to feel as messed up as I am right now. I am not sure if the day can get any better.
My plans for today were to mop (the ongoing cleaning of the house) the kitchen and bathrooms. Then at some point get out of the house to do some running, anything really. But I do believe driving at this point would be detrimental to my health and the public’s safety. So maybe I will nap. Petey has finally stopped keeping an eye out for the wife. Hell for a few minutes today I forgot I had a wife anyway.
I have rugs from all over the house in multiple stages of drying on the back porch. I have acclimated to sleeping in a king size bed by myself and I do believe it is my preferred method of sleeping.

I wanted to address a few items here one being that I rec’d a correspondence from a woman claiming to be my wife who said that the Tupperware is and I quote, “Tupperware --> stand in front of the sink...side step left...it is the cabinet by your knees”
I stood in front of the sink and side stepped to the left and looked in the cabinet by my knees. Do you know what I found? Pots and pans my friends. So this is good because I was looking for those also. What I did not find was the Tupperware so to the lady who responded with this false information.

You my friend are an imposter…..

Words to live by today; “It is good for the soul to invest in something you have no control over”

How delicious does this look?

You know how they say looks can be deceiving? Well that is the truth because as scrumptuous as this looks (lol) it tasted like dog food!

the storm

We had a storm today that I thought was going to spawn a tornado. It was one of the strongest storms I have experienced. I only caught the last little bit of it and then had to find Petey. Check it out.

I found Petey shivering in the Bathroom shaking and scared out of his fur, poor fella.

Day 2 Without Wifey

Let me start with confession. I was brought out of a deep sleep by a phone call from my missing wife. She is having a blast and is in awe of the beauty of Bermuda. I am sure there are pictures forthcoming that will stun us all because I do remember Bermuda being very picturesque. I of course acted like I had been awake when she called but I don’t think I convinced her. I might as well have been drunk. So on to my confession/ embarrassment of the day. I stumbled out into the living room after the phone call and sat down to visit with Pete and turned on the TV. It was the start of a movie, hmmm, I wondered what it could be. It was a Tom Cruise movie, but not one I had ever seen. So I let it go for a few minutes and found out the movie was “Cocktail.” The movie where he is a bartender that puts on a show as he makes drinks. I watched 20 minutes of this monstrosity and when the first commercial came on I asked myself. “What the hell are you doing?” I had no answer so I turned the TV off.

The day has been going nicely I did some more cleaning. There was a small immigrant family living under our coffee table. I let them stay, who am I to deny them the pleasure of my company. I finally got out and decided that Wal-Mart is to far away for the few things I needed so I went to Publix. Time to get all of the foods my beloved doesn't care for. This includes anything that has "helper" in the name.


What a Picture huh? All of the food groups represented meat, frozen foods, beer and snacks. It was so apparent that I was living alone the guy who bagged my groceries said, Enjoying being a bachelor? I walked out with my chest puffed out, I still have it baby, yeahhhh.

The day is half over I may have more to share later.

Life without a Wife

For the next 10 days I am wife-free. The beautiful misses is off in Bermuda visiting loved ones. 10 full days of not having to cook or clean. I will let my beard grow to Grizzly Adams proportions. I will scratch myself and make manly noises without any shame. (Because sometimes I do have shame, sometimes) If I don’t plan these next 10 days out they will pass by and the only thing I will have done is try the new Samuel Adams Summer beer. Note to self, pick up some Samuel Adams beer.
So here is the playbook as I see it. It will be ever evolving and changing, don’t think of it as a static plan but as a flowing life form, ever changing and reinventing itself. I am going to keep my notes on the happenings here for everyone to follow along and live vicariously through me (or just laugh at me). SO First things first I have to get the house nice and clean. Why, you ask? Because I can’t do anything when I know my house is dirty. Hush, hush, and don’t make fun of me it’s an issue I am dealing with.

Here is what has happened thus far:
1. I removed all of her bedding from the bed so I can dominate the whole King size bed. I do enjoy using all of the bed its a little treat as far as I am concerned.
2. I cleaned one of the bathrooms already and designated it as off limits. No one will use this bathroom until the lady of the house returns.
3. I have decided that mans best friend can share the bed while I am alone so that means at some point the dog needs a good bath.
4. I consumed maximum portions at “Flavors” Indian restaurant so I will not have to cook anything this evening. This is kind of Guy code, eat out so you don’t have to clean. This will become vital after I clean the kitchen at some point. Because I don’t want to clean it twice.
5. I have laundry going. I am going to try to get everything in the house clean and then just wear 2 pairs of underwear while I am alone. One pair for when I am home and the other for when I go out. This is a model of efficiency that I believe will produce the best results.

A few issues have already arisen. The first is I don’t know where we keep most of our stuff. I was able to find the cleaning supplies but sadly I am not sure how to use some of them. The second is I have made a stand over the past year to not deal with Tupperware (or Tupperware type stuff). So I have no idea where it goes or even how to stack all of it once I find it.

Tomorrow has a couple of decisions for me to make. I am either going to Wal-mart to pick up a few items or I will go to a strip club. One place is full of people who look beat down and sad with their lives, but they have cheap food. The other has naked women, lol.
So I will probably go to Wal-mart. If anyone has any suggestions, let them fly.

Honey if you read this, where do we keep the Tupperware?

Fernandina beach on Amelia Island

There were fresh baked goods, crab cakes, hydrangeas, wines, coffees and a plethora of other goods. One particular vendor had pitas he had just made earlier that morning, I regret not purchasing any, and they looked so good. The crowd was a mix of young and old, many of whom had ridden their bicycles to the market, contributing to the small town ambience of the morning. Greetings of “Good Morning” and “Hi, How are you?” filled the air.
After we had perused all the offerings of the market we decided to walk through downtown along Center Street. The road was lined with large trees giving everyone much appreciated shade and framing a picturesque downtown.
There were plenty of little shops and boutiques. Some we have seen many times before and a few that were new to us. We struck up a conversation with the proprietor of “Go Fish” about the area. We inquired whether this area was a tourist destination or just a small town. She confided in us that there are many tourists visiting now but that in the off-season they depend on the locals to make ends meet. I can’t say that the area felt like a tourist destination at all, it felt like Anysmalltown, USA.

(The photographer that took these pictures is getting better and better at her craft)

Outside the bookstore on Center Street there was an author selling/signing his book “Peter the Pelican.” Jerry “Pop” Bishop, the author, was one of the nicest people you could ever hope to meet. He shared with us that the inspiration for his book, Peter, has visited him every winter since 2000. The book contains a picture of Pop and Peter on their dock. What a wonderful little find this was. We do not have any children but decided we wanted a copy of the book anyway. He signed his book and posed for multiple photos

We had a refreshing lunch at “Brett’s waterway café” overlooking the Amelia River. The water taxi from Fernandina to St. Mary’s Georgia is running now and while we were dining the water taxi pulled in with quite a few passengers. Next time we will plan on taking the water taxi for an evening ride. We will be sure to make it on a Friday evening when there is all you can eat crab legs at Langs seafood in St. Mary's.

The houses in the downtown area had so much character; there was a little bit of Savannah, New Orleans, and Charleston.
"These folks looked so comfortable and content"

With a bit of sadness we decided it was time to leave. We drove out to the beach to say goodbye. The beach there rivals anything you would find in our area and the people were out in droves enjoying the sunshine. More than once I heard the words, “I would love to live here.” I have to say I agree it would be a wonderful place to call home.